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Dumped
the Guy, Want to Keep the Job
by Dr. Lynne
Curry
Question:
I love my job. I fell into it a year ago when I started dating
this man who inherited a small business from his dad. He had no
business background, was falling behind in billing and record
keeping and asked if I’d help him out until he could afford to
hire someone. I didn’t have a business background either but was
stuck in a going nowhere job and thought I’d help him out for a
couple weeks.
It turned out I
had a natural aptitude for bookkeeping and sales, both of which
his business needed. Since the business employed only this man, a
truck driver and me, I got a chance to handle just about every
responsibility you can imagine from untangling bank financing
messes to negotiating with angry vendors and customers. I went
from getting paid nothing to getting paid more money than I’d
ever made in my life.
The problem is,
the more I fell in love with the job the more I fell out of love
with my new boss. I finally told him we needed to break off our
personal relationship. He thinks I’m just stressed out by how
hard we’ve both been working and I’ll "come around."
I know I won’t. I was infatuated with the man he pretended he
was and the more I’ve learned about him the less I like him –
but I still want to keep my job.
This situation
makes for long, hard days for both of us. Also, once the driver
learned I’d stopped going out with the owner he put the moves on
me. When I turned him down he got ugly and said I thought I was
"too good for common folks" and "slept my way to
the top.
The unfairness of
all this makes me really angry because I earned my current job by
working hard – sometimes for ten and twelve hours a day without
overtime. How do I clear the air with my boss and make him realize
we’re over but that I deserve to keep my job? Or am I better off
quitting and if so how do I get a new job with no reference?
Answer:
When you mix romance with work, you play with fire. Add
rejection to the mix and you risk a blaze that burns one or both
individuals. If, however, "smoldering" better describes
the situation than "wildfire," you and your boss have
the chance to realize that infatuation bought you each a gift
worth keeping. You gained a job that fast-tracked you into career
growth. He gained a highly motivated employee.
Ask him for a
meeting and ask if he can handle you working for him with the
understanding that you’ve passed from infatuation to "good
guy, not for me". If he says "yes," you’ve got a
strong chance the two of you can create a successful "after
the romance faded" working relationship. If he says,
"You’ll come around," realize that when chemical
attraction fades for one-half of a couple, the other often holds
on even more strongly to the dream of what might have been. You
then face a choice – do you want to work under highly charged
circumstances, particularly around the testosterone-out-of-control
driver?
Or, can you make
him see the truth, that by insisting on romance, he forces you to
walk out the door – leaving him with the task of finding someone
as competent as you? Can you explain that while infatuation
brought you together, the chance to help him build a successful
business now keeps you willing to work long, hard hours? What
would happen if he saw he had a choice – keep an employee
committed to his success or drive you away?
If you do wind up
quitting, he may give you a reference. If not, you have a trump
card you can use to negotiate for one. He owes you overtime and
you could bring sex harassment charges against him for the
pressure he put on you after you ended the affair. Any competent
attorney can write him a "see the light" letter.
You also never
again need to settle for a job going nowhere. You proved yourself
in this job. Create a resume that clearly lays out what you’ve
done for this employer and use your sales skills and willingness
to work hard to find another employer smart enough to give you the
chance you deserve. What you gained from your hard work, no one
can take away.
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