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If I
can't fix this I have to leave this job
by Dr. Lynne
Curry
Question:
I work at a job I love in a field I love. If I quit my job with my
current employer I can’t work in my field any longer without
moving to another state. However I don’t see any way around this
problem other than resigning.
Three weeks ago,
my co-worker shot and killed himself. Although in hindsight the
rest of us now see the signposts we missed along the way, his
suicide took all of us completely by surprise. What I can’t seem
to live with is the guilt in my face every day when I come to
work. I worked alongside this man for two years. We sat in
meetings together, brown-bagged sandwiches at our desks nearly
every day, and yet I didn’t see that he was hurting enough to
want to take his own life. Our manager brought in a counselor and
said any of us can talk to her but when I look over and see my
co-worker’s desk, I just lose it. I don’t feel like I can do
my job anymore but everyone else in the organization seems to be
coping. Am I better off leaving my job before I get fired?
Answer:
You may need to leave, however, more likely you need time to come
to terms with what your co-worker did and what you didn’t do.
You seem to hold yourself accountable for not knowing the depths
of his feelings. How could you? Who among us knows what goes on in
another’s mind?
So cut yourself
some slack for not realizing what you didn't and couldn't know and
make an appointment with the counselor right away. Ultimately,
getting help serves you and your company better than does
resigning your job. We rarely accomplish what we hope for when we
run from problems.
Specifically, ask
the counselor to help you address your guilt so you can stop
holding yourself accountable for issues over which you had no
control. You did not pull the trigger. You did not know the level
of your co-worker’s pain or you would have acted differently.
You might also ask your counselor to tell you the truth about how
others cope. When a workplace tragedy strikes, some feel
immediately overwhelmed while others experience a delayed
reaction. Sometimes those who show their upset most heal fastest.
Next, if you
truly fear your lowered work performance could result in your
firing, or if you realize you can't accomplish your job, consider
asking your manager for unpaid administrative leave. Because you
worked at the next desk, you may need a week or two of distance
before you can return to your work site. Most likely you will
learn that your manager understands your request and offers you
paid leave -- after all, she arranged for the counselor. You may
also want to ask your manager to temporarily relocate your desk so
you have less of an "in-your-face" visual memory.
Finally, you move
past guilt best when you learn from it and make the future better.
If you could go back, what would you do differently? While you can’t
live the last two years over again and reach out to your co-worker
in ways you didn’t, you can treat every current and future
co-worker in the manner you now wish you’d treated this man. Do
you wish you'd listened more? Was there a day when you saw your
co-worker swamped when you could have said, "Want some help
with those projects?" If what you've learned is that we need
to treat each coworker every day as if it might be our last
encounter with that person, you've learned a valuable lesson.
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